This week we have been studying the different types of sentences to avoid in our writing. Today, we are going to go back over our previous blog entries and edit them. This should help you understand your own difficulties in writing, as well as give you the opportunity to work with your peers.
The 3 Types of Sentences we have been learning to avoid are:
Empty Sentences - Repeat thoughts, no opinions
Example: “I had a great meal for lunch and it was really delicious.”
Padded Sentences- Use too many words to say 1 thing
Example" “I believe that this story represents life because it is cool.”
Overloaded Sentences - Run-Ons
Example: “The boy went to store to buy some Doritos but the manager told him they were out of Doritos because a truck was robbed by the Doritos bandit, and he said that the FBI was now looking for the man or woman but there was no sign he would be stopped anytime soon, and the boy was sad because he really wanted some Doritos.”
Your Task Today (and Possibly tomorrow!):
- Read your own and the blog entries of your peers posted on previous weeks and look for these three types of sentences to avoid.
- When you have found examples of these sentences, copy them into a word document, and re-construct the sentences to be more effective.
- When you have identified and reconstruct 5 sentences, copy and paste the word document as a comment for this entry.
12 comments:
1. What I found/before/wrong/ineffective:
I think that if it was one on one maybe they would have been able to work it out.
How I fixed it/after/right/effective
If it was one on one maybe they would have been able to work it out.
2. What I found/before/wrong/ineffective:
The sound of a guitar solo has always made me shiver for some reason, I guess that ment that guitar was really something i can do,
How I fixed it/after/right/effective:
The sound of a guitar solo has always made me shiver. I that meant that guitar was something I could do.
3. What I found/before/wrong/ineffective:
I reakky think people shouldn't be racist.
How I fixed it/after/right/effective:
People shouldn’t be racist
4. What I found/before/wrong/ineffective:
Gossip is a waste of time and its stupid! Point blank period.
How I fixed it/after/right/effective:
Gossip is a waste of time.
5. What I found/before/wrong/ineffective:
I think this story is stupid.
How I fixed it/after/right/effective:
This story is stupid.
Before:
I remeber like it was yesterday it was me, my cousin Gio, and my little brother justin. It was a warm summer day and i was in like sixth grade and we went to the football field to watch the game. It was the Camden Hurricanes and they were playing some philly team. So when we first got their everything was good we were having fun watching the game. Then all of a sudden my little brother started having some type of temper tantrum it was out of nowhere. I tried calming him down but he just would not stop crying so i treid ignoring him and that didnt work either. Now in the back of my mind i just started noticing this was a bad idea in the first place i should of never brought I think four or five year old with me . But then again i didnt have a choice my mom made me bring him. Anyway so after like five minutes i couldnt take it anymore i had grabbed him and took him home which ruined my day because he made me leave the game and miss everything. One of the worst days with a little kid and my cousin just found it funny because Justin was crying.
After:
I remember like it was yesterday. My cousin Gio, my little brother Justin and I we went to the football field to watch the game. The Camden Hurricanes and some Philly team but, when we first got there everything was good. All of a sudden Justin started to have some type of temper tantrum. I tried calming him down but he just wouldn’t stop crying. Also I tried ignoring him but that didn’t work either. In the back of my mind I started noticing that was a bad idea. I should of never brought a four- five year old with me but, I didn’t have a choice. After about five minutes I couldn’t take it anymore. I grabbed him taking him home which ruined my day. Mostly he made me leave and miss everything. One of the worst days I’ve had with a little kid. Gio found it funny because Justin was crying. (Eric G)
1. when you go to different country they many use different vocabulary also,,
When you go to other countries they have a different vocabulary.
2. it is very important to to find that you dont know because if you dont know it you have something else to learn
It’s important to find out words you don’t know.
3. another thing is that it helps you understand the world around you. like if you know people that talk with a very high vocabulary,
It helps you understand the world around you.
4. and your sitting there having a good conversation and all of a sudden they tell a joke that has a word you never learn/heared before and you dont know what it means.
You’re having a conversation somebody tells a joke that has a word you never learned before.
5. Then your left out of the joke because you didn’t get it.
Then your left out of the joke.
Before
1.I think that the people at the wedding din't believe him because he went around saying that he didn't do it. He kind of made himself look like he did something. In the story sergei started to tell everyone he didn't do it and he could have kept quit. No one was saying anything about what they thought he did.
After
The people at the wedding didn’t believe him because he went around saying that he didn't do it. He kind of made himself look like he did something. In the story sergei started to tell everyone he didn't do it and he could have kept quit. No one was saying anything about what they thought he did.
Before
2.Yes i think people prefer a scandal because if gives them something to talk about. Then they can tell other people. Next it starts to spread. People like scandals because its big news to them.
After
Yes people prefer a scandal because if gives them something to talk about. Then they can tell other people. Next it starts to spread. People like scandals because its big news to them.
Before
3. I think the quickness to gossip is a human trait. Nobodys is perfect on this earth. Everbody at some point will gossip. It's just our human instinct to gossip.
After
3. The quickness to gossip is a human trait. Nobody’s is perfect on this earth. Everybody at some point will gossip. It's just our human instinct to gossip.
Wrobng:The quote means when you know a new word you will know what it will mean, andbe able to get whenevers you want.
Right: The quote means that when you know a new word and you know what it means you will be able to own it and use whenever you want.
Wrong: My bestfriend hurt me because she used to talk about me and it hurt my feelings and that change me because it hurts me that my bestfriend talk about me behind my back and calling me names and i got tired of it.
Right: My best friend hurt me because she used to talk about me and it hurt my feelings. That changed me because it hurt me that my best friend talked about me behind my back and called me names, i got tired of it.
Wrong: My parents made me who i am righ now because they show me to respect others, because i well get respect back.
Right:My parents made me who I am, because they made me respect others.
Before
1.I think that the people at the wedding din't believe him because he went around saying that he didn't do it. He kind of made himself look like he did something. In the story sergei started to tell everyone he didn't do it and he could have kept quit. No one was saying anything about what they thought he did.
After
The people at the wedding didn’t believe him because he went around saying that he didn't do it. He kind of made himself look like he did something. In the story sergei started to tell everyone he didn't do it and he could have kept quit. No one was saying anything about what they thought he did.
Before
2.Yes i think people prefer a scandal because if gives them something to talk about. Then they can tell other people. Next it starts to spread. People like scandals because its big news to them.
After
Yes people prefer a scandal because if gives them something to talk about. Then they can tell other people. Next it starts to spread. People like scandals because its big news to them.
Before
3. I think the quickness to gossip is a human trait. Nobodys is perfect on this earth. Everbody at some point will gossip. It's just our human instinct to gossip.
After
3. The quickness to gossip is a human trait. Nobody’s is perfect on this earth. Everybody at some point will gossip. It's just our human instinct to gossip.
I have been playing baseball my whole life. When I was in t ball I got my first hit. My dad and mom were so pround. After the game my mom took me to Burger King. One time when I got older I was up first. The pitcher pitched the ball. I hit the ball with all my strength. It was a homerun. I could not belive it. We won the game. I went to Ccts for high school . I joined the team thinking i was not going to make it. I made the team. I thought it was going to be hard. We had a lot of fun. The first game we lost but we kept praticing. We won the next game vs pen tech.Later The variety coach asked me if I wanted to play for him. I cant believe I made it this far.
What I found: *I think they would have because criticism can be made from only one person they really dint need that many student to make Margot feel like that.
What I fixed: Criticism can be made from only one person. They really didn’t need that many students to make Margot feel like that
What I found: Every day I see criticism against others and even my self. People get judged because of the race, color, or religion they might be in.
What I fixed: Every day I see criticism against others and even myself. People judged by race, color, or religion they might be in.
What I found: I was about 11 years old, and sitting in my room watching music videos was all I really did at that age, I was always curious about music and how to play instruments my favorite ones were drums and guitar, so that pretty much ment that my favorite kind of music was rock.
What I fixed: I was about 11 years old, and sitting in my room watching music videos. It was all I really did at that age. I was always curious about music and how to play instruments. My favorite ones were drums and guitar, so that pretty much meant that my favorite kind of music was rock.
What I found: The sound of a guitar solo has always made me shiver for some reason, I guess that ment that guitar was really something i can do, i asked my mother to buy me one, and at that time i didnt know much about musical instruments so she decided to buy a wal-mart guitar.
What I fixed: The sound of a guitar solo has always given me shivers for some reason, so I guess that meant that guitar was really something I can do. I asked my mother to buy me one, but at that time I didn’t know much about musical instruments so she decided to buy a Wal-Mart guitar.
What I found: I tried picking up and learning how to play the guitar on my own but with out professional lessons, for me it was virtually impossible so after a couple weeks of practicing and playing i gave up
What I fixed: I tried picking up and learning how to play the guitar on my own without professional lessons. For me it was virtually impossible. So after a couple weeks of practicing and playing I gave up.
What I found wrong/before/wrong effective
I was about 11 years old, and sitting in my room watching music videos was all I really did at that age, I was always curious about music and how to play instruments my favorite ones were drums and guitar, so that pretty much ment that my favorite kind of music was rock.
How I fixed it/after right effective:
I was about 11 years old and sitting in my room, and watching music videos was I really did. I was always curious about music and how to play instruments. My favorite ones were the drums and guitar. My favorite kind of music was rock.
What I found wrong/before/wrong effective
My parents made me who i am right now because they show me to respect others, because i well get respect back.
How I fixed it/ after right effective:
My parents showed me who I am right now . They showed me to respect others and I will get respect back.
What I found wrong/before/ wrong effective
I was happy to leave, i wanted to go to high school, so i felt no sadness.
How I fixed it/ right after/ wrong affective
I was happy to leave, I wanted to go to high school, and I felt no sadness.
Before:
I had more enemies then ever so that whole year in the 4th grade was the worst but it made me who I am now becaouse instead of haveing girls as friends i have more guys
After:
I had more enemies then ever. The whole year in fourth grade was the worst. It made me who I am and instead of having girls as friends I have more guys.
Before:
I has playing baseball my whole life. When i was in t ball i got my first hit n my dad n mom was so pround of me. n after the game my mom took my 2 buger king. I always eat a buger king the same thing as i was in t ball.When i got old i was 11 year old in game i was up first we as hitting first. The pitcher pitchs the ball. i hit the ball with all my strength. It was a homerun. i could not belive it because of that we won the game. Afer i got to high skool.i went to ccts. i join the team thinking i was not goin 2 make the team. but i made the team. i thought it was going 2 be hard. but we had alot of fun. the first game we lost but we keep pratices. we won the next game vs pen tehn. the other skool. some game later the other coach the variety coach ask me if u want 2 play for me i said yea. now i play variety ball. i cant belive i made it this far.
After:
I have been playing baseball my whole life. When I was in t ball I got my first hit. My dad and mom were so pround. After the game my mom took me to Burger King. One time when I got older I was up first. The pitcher pitched the ball. I hit the ball with all my strength. It was a homerun. I could not belive it. We won the game. I went to Ccts for high school . I joined the team thinking i was not going to make it. I made the team. I thought it was going to be hard. We had a lot of fun. The first game we lost but we kept praticing. We won the next game vs pen tech.Later The variety coach asked me if I wanted to play for him. I cant believe I made it this far.
What I found:
the reason why i think the wedding guests didnt believe achieyev is because that they had no idea what he was talkin about.
How I fixed it:
The wedding guests didn’t believe achieyev because they had no idea what he was talking about.
What I found:
I think the wedding guest do not believe Ahinyenev's story because he keeps running around tell his story to everyone.
How I fixed it:
The wedding guests do not believe achinyenven’s story because he keeps running around telling his story to everyone.
What I found:
I kinda do think people enjoy scandel, because everyone likes to hear a juicy stoy thats fun to talk about.
How I fixed it:
People enjoy scandel, because everyone likes to hear a juicy story that’s fun to talk about.
What I found:
i kinda do still think segregation is going on in our society today, like mostly in our schools because in school everyone has a lable or title.
How I fixed it:
I do still think segregation is going on in society today, mostly, in our schools because in school because everyone have a label or title.
Scentance correction
1. Before: I am very nice but i can be mean and im a helpful person and i would always want to complete what i start .
After: I am a very nice person but I can also be mean. I’m helpful and I always complete the tasks I start.
2. Before: The feelings in the story are jealousy, because Margot saw the sun because she was alive to see the sun, and everyone was jealous that margot saw it.
After: The feeling expressed in this story jelousy. Margot saw and can remember the sun, and the other children were jelous because of that.
3. Before: Peple can be so mean they can make people really depressed and thats not right and if a group does it they feel like they are not welcomned and no one should ever feel like that.
After: People can be really mean. They make others feel depressed and that’s not right. If a group of people is mean to a person, that person feels like he/she isn’t welcome. No one should ever feel this way.
4. Before: from personal experience i can tell if that there is a group of people against one person then they will do anything to make u cry get angry etc. but if its just one person then you have more of a chance of beating them instead of them beating you.
After: From personal expirence, Ican say that if there is a group of people against one person, that group will do almost anything to get a reaction from the outsider. If there is just a one-on-one issue, the person has a better chance of prevailing.
5. Before: the group feelin in the story is that no matter what you do to someone especially if its bad then you realize that what youve done makes you feel terrible and guilty.
After: The moral in this story is that when you do something bad to another person, you’ll eventually feel guilty about your actions.
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